I’m sure you all will get to know more about me as I post more blogs. But for the sake of space (and my time) I’ll share the very brief introduction to my life so that you’ll be able to understand this post more.
I am nearing the end of the divorce process after two years of every type of abuse from this man. We separated 6 months ago tomorrow! I wasn’t allowed to speak to any guy younger than 50 and so I struggle with male interaction from the isolation and abuse. I haven’t hung out with, dated, or entertained the thoughts of such actions until a couple weeks ago. Now that you have all the relevant background information I’ll continue on with the main reason for the post.
Last week while wasting time pretending to be shopping in the frozen food section of Wal-Mart I encountered a nice looking young man texting on his phone while staring at the freezers. I figured he must be on the phone with his girlfriend, fiancé, or wife and paid no attention to him. A minute goes by with our backs to each other staring at the freezers before he says, “Hi, how are you today?”. I was caught off guard, and scanned the isle to see who he was talking to. When I realized I was the only one standing in the isle and he must be talking to me because he didn’t even have his phone in his hands I panicked. I have had limited interaction with college aged individuals, and have had no interaction with the college aged male. I responded to his question trying to figure out how he knew me. I moved to town 6 months ago, and although I go to church in town I don’t connect with the male population. We made small talk as best as I could, but it’s been years since I’ve been allowed to do any of that so I became that person who lets the conversation die to a one sided conversation. He asked if I would like to go out with him sometime and I hesitated before I agreed that hanging out wouldn’t be the end of the world. I felt on top of the world that night. I had been listening to the lies that Satan has whispered in my ear for years. “You’re not pretty” “No one will ever go out with you” “You’re going to be alone the rest of your life” “You’ll have to become someone you’re not” “You have too much baggage” “You’ll have to sleep with him to get to him stick around” the list of lies goes on. A few of those lies had just been disproven even with my shy, awkward, hesitation. I know, now, that even on those days when I don’t look my best I can get a random stranger to ask me out in the middle of the frozen food section of Wal-Mart.
We set a date for last weekend. He wanted to go to a local sports bar and play some pool (definitely not my kind of date but I decided to give it a try). He texted me an hour before we were suppose to meet and said that he needed to move it back because he was meeting his uncle for dinner (I’m all for spending time with family, but a bigger heads up would have been nice). He never told me what time to meet him. I texted him twice before he responded over an hour later that he was there waiting. I’m a big stickler for good communication. If you can’t communicate what time to meet for a date then how are you going to be able to communicate for more important issues later in life? You’re not. To make matters worse his uncle was there for a good half hour after I showed up. Who brings his uncle on a date? I tried hard to grin and bear it until his uncle left. He offers to buy me a drink, which is nice but I don’t drink most beers. And I don’t drink around men I’m not comfortable with. Until I’ve known you for a few months at least I can’t trust you enough for my judgment to be slightly skewed. There are too many dogs in this world and not enough gentlemen. While we played pool we continued the small talk conversation we had started in Wal-Mart. He began innocently but lead into inappropriate conversations. He asked about my nonexistent arrest record, the amount of men I have slept with, and what I’m like in bed. Each time he brought up a question on sex I’m sure my face betrayed the amount of shock I felt. I kept telling him I was a good girl, very old fashioned, but he didn’t understand what I meant by that. I said everything I could think of without stating it’s inappropriate to talk about anything sexual on the first date, second date, or any other date until you’re at least engaged. He leaned in to kiss me goodnight, and I simply stared at him making a fool of himself. When he acted hurt and offended by the fact that I didn’t let him kiss me I told him I don’t kiss on the first date, told him good night and drove away.
I count this first date to be a huge success despite how awful he was. This was the first time in dating history for me that I’ve been able to set such clear, defined boundaries on the first date. I overcame or was able to work through a lot of the PTSD triggers I encountered with him. I felt enough freedom from my ex to agree to go on this date. The biggest success of all was being able to realize I am worth so much more than that. I deserve a man who is going to treat me like a princess in public and behind closed doors. I deserve a man who loves and fears God to the point where he will respect me. I am important and need to be treated as such. I know now that I desire a guy who will give me attention, treasure me, love me for who I am baggage and all. I want a man who loves God more than he could ever love me. I know if I’m truly #2 behind my wonderful Father then I will be treated like a princess. He will understand my true worth and will respect that. Above all else I want a man who is more in love with God than I am, whose values and standards are set above my own. I want a man who can lead the household to follow God. I want a man who treats his mother like a queen. That’s who I desire. That’s who I deserve. And eventually, that’s who I will marry. I am done settling for second best. I will not waste my time pursuing men who don’t know what I am worth.